I love loud! I'm a loud lover
And that means I go all out in loving
All of my weaknesses, talents,strengths, I'd share them all with you.
I'm not hiding my insecurities, fears or shame before you and that is why,

I fear love & emotions, I'm a scared lover
So I push away, and make straight lines
Maintain healthy boundaries and hidden truths
Afraid of what it would mean to offer you a seat at my table.

Not very manly but very human which sometimes makes me want to just seat and weep.
Even though I won't.
I've always yearned to;
Feel everything, understand everything, live everything,  learn everything, try everything, love everything, hell ! sometimes control everything..
Even though I can't.

I cannot tell you the details of the stories that made me this way.
Because even till now I'm not quite sure I understand all the parts of it yet.

But this is who I am
That guy who loves to put labels and titles to things and status but not on himself

I'm the "So what are we" guy
The guy who loves jealously,  selfishly, painfully,  loudly and borderline scared of not knowing when he's be burned, betrayed or abandoned again.
Or maybe this time I'd do the burning and abandoning and betrayal.

If a kiss was how I chose to betray Jesus my tears would've  sold me out as the culprit.
My emotions are the evidence of my spirits and my crimes.

They easily leave within me and are littered all over the place like a natural resource,
Like water or air

My love spreads, and it spreads because I understand the word LOVE as:
"Letting out virtually everything"

Maybe I had a sucker for a teacher or I wasn't a very good student.
But if I could learn the lifestyle of love all over again,
I'd probably end up the same way.