"Akin My boss! The only Oga that I have in the whole of Lagos!" Chike shouted as he entered the bar section of the hotel. He observed everything wasn't alright with Akinsola his friend. On a normal, Akin would have reciprocated the shout with words in the lines of "This mad man! O ti ya were! Were Leleyi o!". Something might be eating him up he suspected. On the table were 5 empty bottles of Orijin beer with the sixth one almost halved. "Mtcheeew, Chike what's up?" Akin managed to say. "Guy I dey o, this one wey you dey like butterfly wey enter water, wetin happen?" Chike asked.

"Guy I wan ask you a simple question and I need an honest answer, how can a guy make a girl remove him from her friend zone to the main nigga spot?" Akin asked. Chike laughed as he sat on the sofa directly opposite Akin. Guy, Nigerian daughters of Eve are so unpredictable these days o. They find a way of keeping everyone in the friendzone. I will tell you why they do that but first, what brought about this question? He asked.

Guy, you know Bolanle ba? That my childhood friend that I introduced you to the other time. You know after my Ex-girlfriend Oge left me for that my rich neighbor who is a businessman at Computer village, and I decided not to date or involved in any relationship again. After all, I did for Oge, she left me and the most painful part was that she acted like everything was okay between us, only for me to hear her ban of marriage in church. She didn't even deem it fit to let me know. You remember the story ba? I decided from that day not to get involved with any woman, at least for now.

Mumu me! Mumu me, I met Bolanle the other day.. We both grew up in the same neighborhood in Badagry and we practically know everything about each other. I met her after a long time in Lekki during one of the programs our office organized at the Podium. We exchanged contacts and since then, we have been close to each other. She tells me everything she is up to and I tell her mine too.

We have been going out together for months now and I have continuously told her of how much I love her. She professes her love for me too but each time I ask her to be my girlfriend, she replies with "Let's not talk about that now, You are my friend and I am okay with that" I have always had this strong feeling for her and I let her know about it. I think she likes me too because each time I tell her that I want to get a girlfriend, she says "I will personally kill her if you finally get one". We would laugh over it but I know she was serious with it.

The other day while we were chilling at Toscana, I showed her a picture of a couple and said "this could be us but you've friend-zoned me" and she gave out her usual laugh and response.

Times without number, she had asked me if I am seeing anyone or if I have a crush on anyone, maybe at the office or anywhere. I have made every move to delete myself from being friend-zoned to being the main guy. I have asked her severally if she has a man and she said she doesn't. Then what might be the reason for her not wanting to let me out of the friend zone? Now, local man has fallen deeply in love with her and I seriously don't know how to get out of this cycle.

Chike who has been patiently listening to his friend at this point, couldn't hold back his laugh -  he let it out, cleared his throat and began to talk to Akin. See guy, you are even lucky you are not in the Brother zone. These daughters of Eve, especially Nigerians are real-time opportunists. You remember Bolu now? Ehe! That one that lives next door. His own was worse. He has been hitting on this girl for a while and they were both professing their "Love" for each other and on this fateful day, something terrible happened.

My guy booked Taxify from VGC to Ikeja on a Sunday immediately after Mass. They had to stop over at Obalende to pick this babe. He wanted to take her out on a treat at Ndubuisi Kanu Park in Ikeja. This my guy spent over 10k asides the Taxify transport fare on buying suya and the likes at the park. As they were under one of those trees at the park, the girl received a call from someone and told the person that she went on an outing with her BROTHER! Bolu said he didn't even know how it sounded and how he felt.
He just got up, left the girl at the park and found his way home. The bitch has been calling and texting him trying to explain what she meant.. I think she is feeling bad because she has lost another atm.  See guy, as I told you, these daughters of Eve are Opportunists. You are even lucky you are in the friend zone. You know me na, if I tell you wetin dey my mind at first and you begin behave somehow, as a correct Igbo guy, I japa! You wan turn me into ATM machine ni? No be me o. 

See guy, the only way you can get out of the friend zone is just to start avoiding her. Don't pick her calls, reduce the rate at which you call or chat with her, and gradually give her space. 

Do you know why they prefer keeping you in the friend zone? So that as soon as they jam another dude that is richer, they can easily leave you without feeling bad for hurting you and they will always end up telling you "We were just friends". Friends that you bill every now and then.

My guy, you are too big for this now, man up and let Bolanle go. I know say e no go dey easy but guy, Nigerian girls are just like that. Leave her man. And these bottles you are taking won't do you any good. There is this combo that works magic. We go test am this night. Mixing SK and ARIZONA works wonders to the brain and when you wake up, you go dey feel like a newborn baby...




The Zoned - A short story

Epe! Epe mabo! the bus conductor kept shouting as he beckons on people passing by. It was exactly 4:27 AM and mama Sikirat, as usual, is at the bus stop to board a bus to Epe. She has done this for more than 20 years and she goes to Epe to buy some kind of palm wine for everyday business. She runs a minibar and has a huge market for palm wine. 

Unlike other days, the conductor said her transport fare was 300 Nigerian Naira when she asked him "Elo ni? (how much?)" To avoid the conductor changing his mind, she brought out the money and said "Egba" and entered the bus. They were already 5 passengers seated (two young girls and 2 old men). She greeted the old men (Eka ro o) and they exchanged pleasantries. The seats got filled except the one close to the door. It was early and the conductor could not stand on the door. He sat and closed the door and off they went. This is the usual way to beat Lagos traffic, waking up early and getting to your destination before 7 AM especially if you are plying Lekki-Epe expressway from anywhere on the Mainland that warranted your passing through Obalende.

The road was free and so, within an hour, they had already passed Ajah, en route Epe. Suddenly the driver who has been mute since they set out diverted into an unknown route. It was characteristic of Lagos drivers especially when they know the roads to where they are going are bad. Everyone in the bus thought he was trying to dodge the numerous water-filled potholes on the way. Little did they know that they were headed to a human slaughter-house. None of the passengers knew this particular path and it was taking longer than the normal time it would have taken if they plied the route with so many potholes.

The road was lonely and soon, the conductor received a call and ended it with "mo mbo". This time, the driver was on top speed and it now dawned on them that they had entered one-chance. After an extra hour drive, the bus stopped in front of an uncompleted building and before anyone could shout, the conductor brought out a gun from his under pant and ordered all of them to be quiet. Surprisingly, two of the seated passengers were members of the gang. They were all taken into one of the rooms in the uncompleted building where they met some other people that were already tied with ropes.

They were also tied and made to sit on the floor. Mama Sikirat was panicking already. She left her kids at home and was just hustling to make ends meet. She is a widow whose husband left with 5 kids 6 years after they married. She has been training her kids in school with the minibar. Immediately she remembered her kids, she broke down in tears. What will be their fate? She asked. Sikirat just entered jss1 and the rest are still in primary school. Her husband's people have forsaken them and claimed all the property that her husband left for them. Being a Muslim, she started praying and begging Allah to come to save her from this mess.

It was morning already and so many people have been taken from the room to where no one knows what has happened to them. Yes, they later found out from one of the gang members. This particular gang ran a human slaughterhouse where they killed people and sold their body parts to people for different reasons. Some of their customers are Suya men, some are politicians, while others were fetish men who made use of these body parts for their charms. They were taken out in the order in which they came. At some point, these customers were let to enter the room and make their choice of the human they want to be killed and parted for them.

Outside the building, a long queue of customers could be seen from the room. They entered the building in twos and bought parts of humans depending on the amount they had. They could be seen leaving the building with black nylons containing different human body parts - the majority of them were Hausas and Fulanis who unarguably are Suya sellers. One of the buyers entered the building and to everyone's amazement, the gang members started singing his praise. He is a meat seller and a regular customer. He comes and buys a complete human body and it is prepared for him. When he was going through the merchandise, he saw a familiar face - that of Mummy Sikirat. He happened to be one of her customers who came every evening to drink at her minibar. Mummy Sikirat knew him as Baba Dollar and immediately he recognized her, he ordered for her to be untied. 

He, however, did not let the gang members know that they knew each other. He paid for her and told them that he would like to kill her by himself inside the bush which was unusual. They let him go with her because he is their biggest customer. When they had worked beyond the sight of anyone around the building, he sat her under a mango tree and assured her that he is not going to harm her. He remembered the good days he spent at her shop, the numerous bonuses he enjoyed at her shop and the several times she let him drink to his fill without paying a dime, the many times he came to her house and ate freely when he had a problem with his business. The good things she had done for him kept resonating within him and saved her life when she needed it most...

Apeh Ikechukwu

The Zoned - A short story

The good that men do - A short story

The Adventure of A Corp Member