Apeh Ikechukwu
6 min read
The Zoned - A short story

"Akin My boss! The only Oga that I have in the whole of Lagos!" Chike shouted as he entered the bar section of the hotel. He observed everything wasn't alright with Akinsola his friend. On a normal, Akin would have reciprocated the shout with words in the lines of "This mad man! O ti ya were! Were Leleyi o!". Something might be eating him up he suspected. On the table were 5 empty bottles of Orijin beer with the sixth one almost halved. "Mtcheeew, Chike what's up?" Akin managed to say. "Guy I dey o, this one wey you dey like butterfly wey enter water, wetin happen?" Chike asked.

"Guy I wan ask you a simple question and I need an honest answer, how can a guy make a girl remove him from her friend zone to the main nigga spot?" Akin asked. Chike laughed as he sat on the sofa directly opposite Akin. Guy, Nigerian daughters of Eve are so unpredictable these days o. They find a way of keeping everyone in the friendzone. I will tell you why they do that but first, what brought about this question? He asked.

Guy, you know Bolanle ba? That my childhood friend that I introduced you to the other time. You know after my Ex-girlfriend Oge left me for that my rich neighbor who is a businessman at Computer village, and I decided not to date or involved in any relationship again. After all, I did for Oge, she left me and the most painful part was that she acted like everything was okay between us, only for me to hear her ban of marriage in church. She didn't even deem it fit to let me know. You remember the story ba? I decided from that day not to get involved with any woman, at least for now.

Mumu me! Mumu me, I met Bolanle the other day.. We both grew up in the same neighborhood in Badagry and we practically know everything about each other. I met her after a long time in Lekki during one of the programs our office organized at the Podium. We exchanged contacts and since then, we have been close to each other. She tells me everything she is up to and I tell her mine too.

We have been going out together for months now and I have continuously told her of how much I love her. She professes her love for me too but each time I ask her to be my girlfriend, she replies with "Let's not talk about that now, You are my friend and I am okay with that" I have always had this strong feeling for her and I let her know about it. I think she likes me too because each time I tell her that I want to get a girlfriend, she says "I will personally kill her if you finally get one". We would laugh over it but I know she was serious with it.

The other day while we were chilling at Toscana, I showed her a picture of a couple and said "this could be us but you've friend-zoned me" and she gave out her usual laugh and response.

Times without number, she had asked me if I am seeing anyone or if I have a crush on anyone, maybe at the office or anywhere. I have made every move to delete myself from being friend-zoned to being the main guy. I have asked her severally if she has a man and she said she doesn't. Then what might be the reason for her not wanting to let me out of the friend zone? Now, local man has fallen deeply in love with her and I seriously don't know how to get out of this cycle.

Chike who has been patiently listening to his friend at this point, couldn't hold back his laugh - he let it out, cleared his throat and began to talk to Akin. See guy, you are even lucky you are not in the Brother zone. These daughters of Eve, especially Nigerians are real-time opportunists. You remember Bolu now? Ehe! That one that lives next door. His own was worse. He has been hitting on this girl for a while and they were both professing their "Love" for each other and on this fateful day, something terrible happened.

My guy booked Taxify from VGC to Ikeja on a Sunday immediately after Mass. They had to stop over at Obalende to pick this babe. He wanted to take her out on a treat at Ndubuisi Kanu Park in Ikeja. This my guy spent over 10k asides the Taxify transport fare on buying suya and the likes at the park. As they were under one of those trees at the park, the girl received a call from someone and told the person that she went on an outing with her BROTHER! Bolu said he didn't even know how it sounded and how he felt.
He just got up, left the girl at the park and found his way home. The bitch has been calling and texting him trying to explain what she meant.. I think she is feeling bad because she has lost another atm. See guy, as I told you, these daughters of Eve are Opportunists. You are even lucky you are in the friend zone. You know me na, if I tell you wetin dey my mind at first and you begin behave somehow, as a correct Igbo guy, I japa! You wan turn me into ATM machine ni? No be me o.

See guy, the only way you can get out of the friend zone is just to start avoiding her. Don't pick her calls, reduce the rate at which you call or chat with her, and gradually give her space.

Do you know why they prefer keeping you in the friend zone? So that as soon as they jam another dude that is richer, they can easily leave you without feeling bad for hurting you and they will always end up telling you "We were just friends". Friends that you bill every now and then.

My guy, you are too big for this now, man up and let Bolanle go. I know say e no go dey easy but guy, Nigerian girls are just like that. Leave her man. And these bottles you are taking won't do you any good. There is this combo that works magic. We go test am this night. Mixing SK and ARIZONA works wonders to the brain and when you wake up, you go dey feel like a newborn baby...

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