Candy Baron
I want to exist only at night, when everything is calm.
Mar 29
C.S.T

I sat next to the propane tanks in my kitchen today, listening to music and playing with a lighter. Now, one's locked and the other's almost empty so its fine, but my mind wandered to the locked tank a lot. Wouldn't be hard to crack it open and let the gas fill the room. Would I let myself pass out and go to sleep? Or would I hit the lighter and take my neighbours with me? Decisions, decisions. In the end I didn't pick either, but that's just how it is with C.S.T.
   I'm up alone on the roof most nights. The neighbours are doing God knows what, and I sit by myself trading secrets with the moon. Wouldn't be hard to take a wrong step and end up on the ground. A fall from the third floor's about a 70:30 chance. 30's still a high number though, so I smile and continue talking to the moon. But every now and then, C.S.T chimes in, just to remind me of it's presence.
   Casual suicidal tendencies. Not a common term, but not a new one either. I'm not going to explain what it is; you either get it or you don't. If you do, you've probably smiled a little by now. If you don't...well, I don't know what you've done. I'm not going to say don't worry, that's really up to you. What I am going to do is try to shed some light on the "why" of it. The reasoning behind the casually suicidal. It doesn't have much to do with sadness, it's more a long term side effect of living with depression.
   Depression likes to eat it's way through things, you see. Things you love, things you hate, just everything in sight. And when that's all gone, it eats away at your will to live. That might sound unsettling at first glance, but if you understand the concept of apathy, it's pretty much the same thing. You could have your life laid out and probably live through it just fine, but at the same time you could kill yourself tomorrow and it wouldn't make a difference to you. There's probably some way around it, some positive thinking to be done maybe. But really, once you get used to it, even that ceases to matter. It's no longer something to fear, it's just a thing that happens now.
   I considered drowning myself in the bathtub yesterday, but drowning takes too long. It's all a game of logic now, these silly thoughts. Just a lot of rationalizing, once every so often. Suicide sounds logical to me, but I'm lazy, so procrastination keeps me here. You may have C.S.T as well, then again you may not. But some days you think about leaving, and other days you don't. That's just how it is here, on the other side of sanity.

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